As I sit down to write this latest post I don’t really know where it’s going. I’ve written a lot lately about being a Mother and I’m sorry if these posts have no interest to you but, I guess as this is my life now, that is where a lot of my thoughts are. This one in particular is about Motherhood, but about change. And I’m not very good at change.
I bigged up Motherhood in one of my most recent posts. In fact it was one of my most popular posts to date, which is kind of cool. I think a lot of people could relate to it, which is even nicer. At least that’s reassurance that I’m on a similar kind of page to most.
This week however I didn’t want to admit it, but I’m feeling a bit deflated. Do I blame the tempting of fate from publishing such a picture perfect blog last week? Or do I just admit that in every toddler’s development there are highs and lows? Or is it because I’m just feeling run down and a bit low that it all seems a bit worse? Probably a bit of all them.
Everything in Ethan’s routine seems to be changing and it’s left me feeling very much like ‘I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!’. I don’t know what he wants to eat because he’s being fussy, I don’t know if he needs a nap because he’s occasionally dropped one or two, I don’t know what he wants to do because he can’t tell me. It’s all very much ‘I don’t know’ and it’s a bit disheartening. I feel like I’ve gone from knowing my little boy inside out to feeling a like a bloody newbie at this and I don’t like it one bit. I feel like because I don’t know, I’m letting him down in some way.
I know it’s all normal. It’s all about him growing up and he will go through phases of not eating, or only eating one thing, and he will drop naps in the day and he won’t always be a saint at bedtime (I am lucky he is usually!), because I know it happens to every child, not just mine. But when it all happens at once, it can be a bit intimidating.
I’d got so familiar with our routine and our likes and dislikes that when it changes, the whole ‘I’m a crap Mother’ issue rears it’s ugly head. Every mother has felt it and I challenge anyone who disagrees.
I know I’m not a crap Mum. I live and breathe for him, there’s nothing crap about that. I know I just need to give him time to grow and decide how things will be for us from now on. Then we’ll adapt to a new routine and it will be fine again, like it has always been that way and no doubt I’ll toddle back here with my tail between my legs telling you all how stupid I was being for being so uptight about it.
In the mean time I will embrace the change and rest assured that there are a million other mummys feeling the same as me. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I think or how I feel, Ethan still loves me all the same and that makes it all worthwhile.