I’ve got to be completely honest. I’m a little bit baffled as to where the last two years have gone. And for the last month or so I’ve known I’ve wanted to put down into words just how much they’ve meant to me.
Two years ago today my life changed forever. Looking back I think I was a tad naive. I had no clue just how much things would change. And when I say things, I don’t just mean day to day things or life in general. I mean emotionally. Nothing prepared me.
I’ve known love. I’ve married my best friend. So I know what it feels like to be in love. I love my family to the moon and back and would stop at nothing to make them happy. But what totally shocked me then and what does to this day, is the love I have for my beautiful little boy.
I’ve been trying to think of the words to describe it and I fear that no amount of words in various combinations will do that love justice. It’s a love so deep it is almost frightening. My heart aches and bursts with the most tremendous amount of it every second of every day.
Whilst nothing prepared me for the feeling of complete loving contentment of my baby, nothing prepared me either for the role of being his Mum. His total dependence on me morning, noon and night. From the second he cried those first cries, right up until the moment this post was published and whilst you’re reading this. Being a Mum is the most amazing and rewarding job but at the same time, I’m not afraid to admit, it’s bloody hard.
The tiredness, the worry, the fear, the feeling of going insane, the self doubt and the daily concerns that you’re doing it all wrong. In the early days there’s the frustration that he can’t tell you what he wants, and you beat yourself up because you don’t know. Because you feel you should know because your his Mum and everyone says no one knows him better than you. In the second year, you cook his dinner, you know the one he ate last week and really enjoyed? And then this week he took one look at it and said “Bin Mummy!” That’s when you could have burst into tears with frustration because you don’t know what he wants all this time down the line. And you start worrying all over again because he’s not eaten and you don’t want him waking up starving because it will all be your fault and then you’ll feel like a bad Mum again. For what feels like the umpteenth time.
But then a little while later it’s bedtime and you’re having snuggles and your little boy turns to you and says “Cuddle Mummy” and gives you a big squeeze. Then “Kiss Mummy” and gives you a big sloppy kiss. Then when you put him down to bed he says “Night night Mummy, love you” and you want to cry all over again but this time with complete and utter happiness because he has just let you know that you are doing just fine. Your little boy is happy and that is because of you. Because you love him so, so much and he knows it. And he loves you too.
Yes. Being a Mum is hard. Bloody hard. But it is worth every single second of the worry and the fear. Because that overwhelming feeling of completeness and love outweighs it all. And I am a little bit proud of myself. He’s a perfectly polite, adorable, happy little boy, and everyone can’t help but love him when they meet him, be it the first, second or third time. So I guess, I must be doing something right.
My little boy turned two today. I am so excited to be his everything today and in the future. I am so proud of the perfect little person he is becoming and as long as I show him that everyday, I know we’ll carry on doing just fine. Together.
Mummy and Daddy love you so much Ethan. To the moon and back. Forever. Happy Birthday precious boy. Xxx