A Relationship After Children

A Relationship After Children

I was asked the other day whether it was normal for couples, marriages or your relationship, whichever you want to choose, to be different after having a child. My response? COMPLETELY.

In fact, my actual response was “I would be surprised if it wasn’t different!”

The thing is, like most things that come with parenting and being a Mum or a Dad, nothing prepares you. I’ve likely used that phrase more times than is considered acceptable over various parenting related posts, but that’s only because it’s true.

Having a child changes everything. Like, EVERYTHING.

I can only speak from my experience. But in those first few months of being totally and utterly responsible for another human being, the husband and I argued more than ever. We used to argue before, as do most couples, but this was constant. We’d argue over who was most tired (I think this is pretty standard from what I can gather!). We’d argue over whose turn it was to tidy the kitchen, do the washing, clean the house, get up to the crying baby. If there was an occasion for conflict, we would normally find ourselves in the middle of it.

It does get easier. But I don’t think it ever really goes away. No two people can ever agree on everything. It’s near impossible. But I think what does change is your ability to reach a compromise.

The thing is. Before you have children, you have no idea what kind of parent you are going to be. You might think you have an idea. But until you’re in the thick of it, you have NO CLUE. If you’re lucky, you will both have the same ideas and views. You will both want to bring up and later discipline your kid in the same way. But I guarantee there will be something that you won’t completely see eye to eye with.

A Relationship After Children

I think there is always the parent who is a softer touch. This is me in our relationship. I don’t think the husband would mind me saying, he is more old fashioned with his parenting ways. But I feel like I am perhaps more emotionally involved. Is that because I carried our son for nine months? Took nine months off work to look after him when he was born? Changed my life completely to become a Mum? Maybe.

Or is it because I am with him more, I give in a bit more for a bit of an easier life? More than likely. It’s an emotional upheaval and certainly, a rollercoaster being a parent. Sometimes there’s resentment because you can’t do the things you want to do when you want to do them. Quickly followed by guilt because it’s not the kid’s fault you brought him into the world. Then that resentment may end up being aimed at your partner because perhaps he has more of his ‘old life’ left than you do. But then in the next breath, you wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s so confusing and ultimately draining.

So is it normal for things to be different? Yes. Hell yes.

Parents are born when a child is born. There is someone else to put first. Someone who has only been here five minutes takes priority over everyone and everything and sometimes that can be hard to get your head around. Hard to accept. But how could you possibly want it any other way?

This person, this little human that was made with love. A mini version of you both. Is a joint responsibility. Sometimes this can push you apart and sometimes, it can drive a wedge between you, for it never to be the same again. But hopefully, if you’re lucky, like us, it will become the making of you.

They say that if your relationship can survive the first five years of being parents then you stand a pretty good chance of remaining together in the relationship and being happy. It hasn’t been all cupcakes and rainbows for us (I’ve clearly seen Trolls too many times!). And it won’t always be. I’m not naive. But if anything good is worth having, it’s worth working at and sticking at.

True love is about growing as a couple, learning about each other, and never giving up on each other. Click To Tweet

So if you have just had a child and you are wondering who the hell this person is you are living with and why don’t you recognise them anymore. Don’t worry. You are normal. You became a different version of yourself when you became a parent, you both did. And it will take a while to get used to. But with the mutual love for your little one, you will get there, and it will all be worth it.

A Relationship After Children

Now go and give them a hug or send them a text message. Don’t forget the kisses. It’s little touches like that, that will remind them who you are. Because as the end of the day, you are still you. You may be a Mum or a Dad, but you’re still you and you are still a couple. Remember that, and you’re already half way there.

 

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77 Comment

  1. Reply
    MummyConfessions
    8th August 2017 at 7:14 am

    It’s so true how everything changes when that tiny person comes into your lives. You kind of know it’s going to happen, but it can be such a drastic change. I think that the sleep deprivation makes everything a bit more interesting as well 😂 #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 12:36 pm

      Sleep? What’s that again?! 🙂

  2. Reply
    Daddy Poppins
    8th August 2017 at 7:21 am

    Great post. I total agree. The whole dynamic of a relationship changes once kids arrive.

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 12:36 pm

      These kids hey? Little whirlwinds changing your life as you know it forever! 🙂

  3. Reply
    thefrenchiemummy
    8th August 2017 at 7:32 am

    So true! The thing is you are so tired and you very often argue for silly things! Stressed or not agreeing about stuff for the baby. But if you have a strong relationship, then you will go through it fine! I also think that couples who have a baby to get closer will be in for a surprise! You really have to love each other to have a baby! Great post and so spot on. #TriumphantTales.

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:11 pm

      You really do – hardest job in the world! But the best!

  4. Reply
    themummybubbleblog
    8th August 2017 at 8:38 am

    Great post. My relationship has certainly changed since having kids. You’re tired and moody and overwhelmed, plus there’s the tiny human being to look after! We definitely need to nurture our relationship whenever we can, particularly in the first five years of having kids x #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 12:35 pm

      The first few years are tough!

  5. Reply
    @JaxFortyNorth - Mummy's Little Monkey
    8th August 2017 at 9:30 am

    So true! The sheer exhaustion changes you too, doesn’t it? I didn’t feel like ‘myself’ again until Lis Sis was nearly four years old. x #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 12:33 pm

      It certainly does. I think giving it time is definitely key!

  6. Reply
    Monsterful Mama
    8th August 2017 at 1:17 pm

    It is definitely good to make time for the two of you, even if it is just a snuggle on the settee when LO is in bed! My Hubby is the soft one! haha
    #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 4:11 pm

      Haha! I knew there was pretty much always one!

  7. Reply
    jeremy@thirstydaddy
    8th August 2017 at 3:09 pm

    Its a struggle. I think one of the hardest things is finding time for each other. if effort isn’t made, its easy to find yourselves drifting apart IMO #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 4:10 pm

      Absolutely!

  8. Reply
    Ashley @ betterwithbeale.com
    8th August 2017 at 3:44 pm

    Great overview on parenting and relationships after kids. It’s a struggle for sure.

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 4:10 pm

      But worth it in the long run 🙂

  9. Reply
    tinmccarthy
    8th August 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Oh God. So much YAAAAAS on this one. I never dreamed that marriage after four whirlwind kids would require so much energy and work.
    #twinklytues

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 6:34 pm

      We were clearly a little deluded!

  10. Reply
    tinmccarthy
    8th August 2017 at 5:44 pm

    Popping back over at #triumphanttales.

    Thanks for the feature this week!

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 6:32 pm

      My pleasure – thanks for the lols!

  11. Reply
    aliduke79hotmailcom
    8th August 2017 at 5:59 pm

    This is very true! You just don’t know how you will cope until the baby actually arrives. My hubby doesn’t have children of his own and I am sure he thinks I make up how hard the early years with kids are on you lol.
    #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      8th August 2017 at 6:33 pm

      Why would we make this insanity up?! 🙂

      1. Reply
        aliduke79hotmailcom
        8th August 2017 at 7:00 pm

        I know lol x

  12. Reply
    kerry
    8th August 2017 at 7:13 pm

    Great post, its true EVERYTHING changes and your relationship does change because I think you become a different version of the people you was before. Its really important to make time to be the couple that you was before these crazy little people came into out lives! #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:47 pm

      Absolutely! It’s so easy to get caught up in parenthood!

  13. Reply
    stressymama
    8th August 2017 at 7:19 pm

    Omg it changes so much doesn’t it. Things are different but they are so much better now. Well, apart from the constant exhaustion that is haha #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:46 pm

      Yeah. What’s that sleep thing again?! 🙂

  14. Reply
    Jo - Pickle & Poppet
    8th August 2017 at 9:15 pm

    I think you know that things are going to change when you have children but nothing prepares you for how much of a change there will be. #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:44 pm

      I thought so too until someone asked me if it was ‘normal’. I think I reassured!

  15. Reply
    Lydia C. Lee
    8th August 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Never giving up is a big part of it. Life gets tougher as the teen troubles hit and it’s amazing how close it can bring you together. ##TwinklyTuesday

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:10 pm

      Never give up. Words to live by!

  16. Reply
    Roxanne
    9th August 2017 at 9:39 am

    Fab post lovely. What you’ve said is so true and nothing can test a relationship like having children can!

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:41 pm

      Thank you! I think they can make or break. But it’s remembering why you had them in the first place…. 🙂

  17. Reply
    Lisa Pomerantz
    9th August 2017 at 7:40 pm

    This is so true! Every word. Thanks for your honesty. New parents should know this and understand! Surviving those wee ones can get rocky…remembering the foundation is so important! #Triumphanttales xoxo

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:38 pm

      I feel a lot of people give up so easy these days. It can be easier to walk away than stick together and work at it.

  18. Reply
    mummyhereandthere
    9th August 2017 at 7:41 pm

    Yep nodding alone. It completely changed everything once a child enters the world X #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:37 pm

      So small, yet so life changing!

  19. Reply
    Lucy At Home
    9th August 2017 at 8:04 pm

    Yes it’s definitely true that everything changes when you have kids. It can be hard when you have differences of opinion on how to raise them or what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. But you have to pull together – you need each other #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:36 pm

      Absolutely. It’s finding the compromise.

  20. Reply
    Fridgesays
    9th August 2017 at 9:24 pm

    #triumphanttales i guess life is as hard as we make it. i do remember the early baby days and thinking thank heavens i didn’t fall pregnant with any of my ex’s – a strong team and a lot of forgiveness and love are needed…and love…and more love and oh humour!!!!

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:35 pm

      Yes! Humour! We all need to laugh at ourselves as well as each other. It can get you through the hardest of times.

  21. Reply
    talkingmums1
    9th August 2017 at 9:35 pm

    This is such a lovely post Jaki. Things do change when you have kids and it takes time to embrace the changes after you’ve resented them, questioned them and argued them. X
    #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:34 pm

      Time. It’s a great thing. We all need to time to adapt. We are without children for a long time before we have them. It’s always going to take time to adjust.

  22. Reply
    Musings of a tired mummy...zzz...
    9th August 2017 at 11:05 pm

    Chris thought that being a step dad to my older two would set him up for being a dad. The baby stage was a bit of a shock for him! We spend less time together because we are both so tired 🙁 #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      9th August 2017 at 11:31 pm

      Oh the baby days. They are tough aren’t they?!

  23. Reply
    thisreallifedad
    10th August 2017 at 2:21 pm

    Great read. Once those kids arrive, as you say, everything just changes. Can you even say your in a relationship or is it more cohabiting. I’m found the more you talk, the more you agree with the mum, the easier life is. #fortheloveofBLOG

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      10th August 2017 at 9:49 pm

      Aha, I like your thinking!! 😉

  24. Reply
    The Queen of Collage
    10th August 2017 at 10:03 pm

    Seeing my hubby bond with our daughters is the best thing ever. I’m not sure we’ve changed but I’m certainly more aware everyday how great a parent he is. #DreamTeam

    1. Reply
      The Queen of Collage
      11th August 2017 at 1:20 pm

      Returning via #TriumphantTales

    2. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:10 pm

      That’s wonderful!

  25. Reply
    Imperfect Mum (@imperfectmumx)
    11th August 2017 at 7:09 am

    I agree, nothing can prepare you for being a parent! Parents are born when children are!!! Great post 🌟 Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:09 pm

      My pleasure, thank you for hosting:)

  26. Reply
    Rhyming with Wine
    11th August 2017 at 11:51 am

    I totally agree with you on this Jaki. The enormity of becoming parents is mind-bending and it’s impossible to carry on being the same people that you were pre-children. It’s just a case of trying to keep up the little things that remind you that you’re still each other’s people as you say. Thanks for linking to #DreamTeam x

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:06 pm

      My pleasure, thank you for hosting 🙂

  27. Reply
    Sadie
    11th August 2017 at 12:04 pm

    It’s so true, and I can see why some relationships just don’t survive the fallout of becoming parents. We do change, but in a lot of ways it gives you even more to love as it shows a different side to your partner. But no matter what, I will never love the part of him that thinks he’s more tired than me!
    #anythinggoes

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:05 pm

      Haha – the age old argument. I don’t think that one ever goes away!

  28. Reply
    Ross - The Stented Papa
    11th August 2017 at 12:13 pm

    Everything changes, that’s an absolute fact. Nip#1 was a dream baby & that has remained now she is a child. For me, I never that literally everything would be turned on it’s head when Nip#2 joined us and I was 100% spot on. Wouldn’t change one single bit of it. Nadda. #TriumphantTales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 9:04 pm

      It’s just learning how to adapt I think…

  29. Reply
    randommusings29
    11th August 2017 at 3:45 pm

    As someone who doesn’t have children, this isn’t something I’ve really thought about before, but I can totally see how it would change you. Your priorities change and that in itself can be big enough to cause arguments in the beginning
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes 🙂
    Debbie

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 8:18 pm

      I think being unaware that this can happen is half the problem as it’s such a shock.

  30. Reply
    Hi, I'm Katie
    12th August 2017 at 1:25 pm

    I can relate to a lot of this. Thanks for the reminder at the end, so important! #blogstravaganza

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 8:12 pm

      My pleasure 🙂

  31. Reply
    thetaleofmummyhood
    12th August 2017 at 1:51 pm

    Our youngest is just coming up to 18 months and it feels like we are starting to get our life back! It’s easy to forget each other in the blur of it all, but sticking together is key! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 8:11 pm

      These kids should come with a warning label, right?! 🙂

  32. Reply
    Muffintopmummyblog
    13th August 2017 at 9:13 am

    This is an absolutely fantastic post and has actually put my mind to rest so much! My daughter is now 8 months old and my husband and I can still be absolutely awful to one another. We have our moments of kindness and understanding – but the change is definitely more than I ever anticipated. However, as much as we fight, my love for him hasn’t changed at all. This is so reassuring to hear that it’s just one of those things that happens when your life completely changes all of a sudden! Thank you for linking up to #Blogstravaganza

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 8:09 pm

      Ah thank you. I’m pleased it’s gone some way in reassuring at least one person 🙂

  33. Reply
    The Pramshed
    13th August 2017 at 9:08 pm

    It’s really tough once you have a child / baby. I kind of felt like my husband had no idea what was going through my mind sometimes, or how difficult each and every day was when I was up every hour for 6 months. It has definitely got easier and more understanding as our daughter has grown up, and my husband is able to play and spend with her. I think that possibly breastfeeding has a way of causing distance between couples, as the mother is the only person who can feed the baby, and then you just end up doing everything. That’s only my opinion. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 7:53 pm

      I didn’t breastfeed myself but I can see how this could effect couples.

  34. Reply
    Louise
    13th August 2017 at 11:36 pm

    Things certainly change when you throw children in. Your relationship isn’t just about you anymore! Fab read #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 7:49 pm

      You’ve hit the nail on the head there!

  35. Reply
    wendy
    14th August 2017 at 5:17 pm

    Yes this is all so true. I don’t my hubby and I argued more than ever when our first son was born, we were exhausted and fought over every little thing. I definitely think if you really love each then you can get through anything and it is all about compromise xx #triumphanttales

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      14th August 2017 at 7:33 pm

      Absolutely, couldn’t agree more.

  36. Reply
    Folakemi
    15th August 2017 at 8:15 am

    I can totally relate to this first hand! Children definitely change the dynamics, for us co-sleeping with our two children
    when they were babies until 1+ was a rather challenging phase which I’m glad we’ve survived now my younger son sleeps in his room. Communication
    and compromise is key and knowing that you’re on the same team- no winners no losers

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      15th August 2017 at 9:48 am

      Never stop talking – my advice to a newly married couple just last weekend!

  37. Reply
    laura
    18th August 2017 at 10:17 pm

    Its so crazy how much things changed, on the one hand we think what the hell did we do/spend our money on before?? But also miss things like late mornings lazing in bed and less worry. I wouldn’t change a thing but do need some of those date nights you mentioned!! #FriYAYLinky

    1. Reply
      Jaki
      20th August 2017 at 9:12 pm

      Yes! Us too! We have a couple this month though – thanks to friends getting married! 🙂

  38. Reply
    Lauren K
    2nd December 2017 at 8:38 am

    I don’t know about the first five years being the hardest, in hindsight they seem easy! It’s surviving the teenage years that really takes its toll on your relationship because believe me, you have never parented so hard. Not just that but it becomes harder to spend time together just the two of you. The buggers never go to bed! Plus can you imagine how mortifying it is for them to hear those bed springs squeak when they know what you’re up to unlike a toddler?! I swear children are here to ruin our sex lives!!

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