To my beautiful Little Man
As I sit and write this, I have not long put you to bed. It was tricky tonight as you were so excited. You were so excited about tomorrow. Because tomorrow it’s your Birthday and you will turn four years old.
Now, you would think after being your Mummy for four whole years that I would have got my head around the fact that I am a Mummy, but can I tell you a secret? I haven’t. Four years down the line, I look at you daily and can’t for the life of me, believe that you’re mine. I can’t believe that your Daddy and I created something so beautiful. So wonderful. So kind.
I can’t believe that me, someone who was never the maternal type, is giving this Motherhood thing her best shot on a daily basis. I’ll be honest with you sweet cheeks, I’m winging it every day. I worry I’m screwing it up at times. I worry I’m getting parenting all wrong. I worry I’m letting you down in some way. But then I pull myself together and tell myself that I’m doing my best and that’s all that I can do. I hope you know that I do my best for you. I really try hard.
So tomorrow you turn four. How has that happened so fast? It seems only yesterday that I was bumbling around with this big bump, hoping that you would arrive before your due date of Christmas Day! Thank goodness you did as you were asked! (Not like these days!!) Nine days before Christmas Day you were placed in my arms and stopped crying immediately. It’s like we were the best of friends from the very beginning. You were perfect then and you’re perfect now.
Of course I will say you’re perfect because to me you are. But I won’t lie Little Man. Three was hard. Three was really hard. Two was a doddle in comparison. With three you pushed me to limits I didn’t know I had. You have had tantrums like I’ve never known. You’ve got cross with me. Hit out at me and at times I was at my wit’s end. Mummy really didn’t know what to do. But I know you never mean it. You always come to me after and ask for a cuddle. I know you’re sorry. It’s hard wanting to do so much and not be able to. It’s hard to be told ‘no’ when to you it seems so reasonable. It’s hard being little. I promise I understand.
Which is why I’m sorry too for all the times I get cross. I don’t mean to. Mummy gets frustrated and tired too. And when that happens we take it out on the ones we love. And Little Man I do love you. So very much.
The next year will be a big year for you. You will start big school and I know it might be scary now but I know you will be just fine. You have been amazing at nursery this year. Your teachers adore you. You have made a lovely group of friends and you have shown such kindness to other children who need a friend. I am so proud of you for that.
Please stay that way. Stay kind. Stay loyal. Stay strong. And stay determined.
When you want to learn something new, nothing deters you. You have worked so hard on your writing and every time I watch you write your name, I am as proud as the first time I saw you do it. I’m in awe of just how clever you are. You never cease to amaze me.
So tonight I put you to bed as a three-year old for the last time. I kissed you goodnight as a three-year old for the last time and as I did I told you the one thing that will never change. That I love you so very much and that I will always be here for you. Anytime, night or day. Mummy will always be here.
I hope you have the most wonderful birthday Little Man. Thank you for making me the person I am today. I am so, so proud of you.
I love you to the moon and back.