How to help children cope with death

It is hard to imagine how to help children cope with death. It is undoubtedly one of the most challenging tasks. Not only are you likely to be grieving yourself, but you are worried about the psychological issues that might be brewing in your young people.

What to expect

It helps to know how a child might react. Children are as different as adults and will have their way of coping. Yet, it is worth noting that it is common that children do not react when you first tell them about the death. It is a difficult concept, and the child will have yet to have a sense of personal mortality. Therefore, to immediately process this as something permanent is challenging. It is likely that if they do cry, they are doing this in response to your upset.

The age of the child will make a difference to this. The older the child, the more understanding they will have of death. However, with any child of any age, it is essential to allow them the room to begin to react as they naturally would.

How to tell the child the news

It may be tempting to describe the loss in words that do not seem so stark or painful. Using metaphor or euphemism with a child is not going to help. You may find it easier to say that the person has passed or that the person has gone away. However, the child will not understand the significance or meaning of these words.

You need to be honest and transparent with the child. You should use words like died or dead and make it clear that the person can no longer come back. A child’s imagination will create worlds far more damaging than the truth, so you need to understand the situation in a factual manner.

If you are worried that you are too emotional to tell the child, then you could ask for support from a professional. However, when selecting the person to tell them, it is always best to choose the person, the child would want if they had fallen and grazed their knee. This is where they feel at their safest.

You would also benefit the child by describing what happens next. The chance of being upset is increased in a child where there is a space created by not knowing. The child’s mind will work to fill this space with the limited knowledge and experience they bring, and this can skew their perspective.

How to work through the days just after the death

You continue to help the child by showing your emotions and being there to offer reassurance. They need to feel loved, and this can be done with cuddles and with words.

It is essential to return to regular routines as soon as possible. As much as we feel treating children with late bedtimes and lots of goodies help reduce discomfort, it can lead to the child feeling unsafe without the same boundaries. Maintain bedtimes and schooltime and household chores as much as possible. This time with normality will give young people the chance to forget for just a while.

It is tempting to start telling young people to smile, or to stop feeling sad. Your wish for them to move on may exceed their abilities to be emotionally settled again. Therefore, if they look sad or are hit by a moment of grief, let them know that it is fine to be sad, and you feel the same way too sometimes.

Finally, answer the questions they ask as honestly as possible. As much as the truths about death are unpleasant, they are going to be a lifetime experience. This will prepare your child for the moments of grief in the future when you may not be present to help.

When to seek professional help

Remember, it is entirely reasonable to feel sad and struggle after the death of someone close. It is best not to presume that the trauma is unnatural or likely to cause long-term difficulties.

However, it is a good idea to observe patterns of behaviour and watch for tell-tale signs that the problems might be more extensive. If a young child starts to regress and require you to do things that you usually would do themselves, then they may need intervention. If they begin to fall behind at school, it can again show you that you need to intervene.

First, wait and see if the emotional disruption will pass and then, if not, seek an appointment with the school or the GP. You can also always look at speaking to a therapist, click here to see how much therapy costs.