To my beautiful Little Man
We all know how I love to document the special stages of your life and no doubt in years to come, when you read back over all of these, you will probably cringe a little. But I’m not going to apologise. I need to remember all of these moments, and I hope it gives you an insight into just how much you are loved and treasured.
I’ve known for the last few months that I would write this particular post and I knew exactly what day I would write it. Yet this time, part of me doesn’t want to write it. Because, little one. Mummy’s finding this one really hard.
Tomorrow you start at ‘big school’ and tonight as I put you to bed, it will be the end of an era for you and I.
For the last four and half nearly five years, my life has been all about you. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. And of course, that will remain as it will do for many, many years to come. But things will be different now. I won’t see you as much as I do now. I won’t have to rush home from work anymore. I won’t get those precious afternoons with you as I have done for the last four years. You will be elsewhere doing ‘big boy’ things.
You have grown up so much and it frightens me to think about how fast the time has gone since I held you in my arms for the very first time as a newborn, wondering how on earth I was going to do the whole ‘Mum’ thing. It’s no secret that I was never the maternal type and I was petrified. Petrified I was going to break you in some way, or do everything wrong. And whilst it hasn’t been easy because being a parent isn’t, you have made it so easy for me to love you in a way that I never knew possible.
You have brought out the best in me. I found my calling when I found you.
The thing is Little Man. I know you are ready for school. More than ready. You are excited, whilst nervous. I can see that. And I know you are going to do brilliantly. But whilst I know all of this. I hate to say it, but, Mummy’s not ready.
I’m going to miss you so much. Even though I know I will be collecting you from the school gates every day to the same big cuddle I always get when I come home to you. I’m struggling with the fact that you are growing so fast and time is passing us by so quickly. Where did my baby go?
I won’t lie. I have been extremely emotional this week. I’m reluctantly getting your school things ready. Preparing your school uniform with a heavy heart. Sorting out lunch boxes whilst mentally searching for the pause button. And I know I can’t stop this and I really shouldn’t want to. Because it’s your time. But I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try. I just wish I could keep you at home with me for that little bit longer. Just you and me.
But you are growing up Little Man. You are clever, funny and intelligent and I know that you need this now. I have seen such a change in you over the last couple of weeks. You are such amazing company and your erratic behaviour has settled down and it seems somehow cruel that this happens now that I won’t be with you as much to enjoy that side of you.
I know we are only talking about a couple of extra hours a day, but to me, it feels like so much more. I know I am being silly and I tell myself this all the time. But equally, I know I need to feel these things. Because it’s these feelings that remind me that I am a good Mummy to you. Despite the doubts I frequently have. I know I am a good Mummy because I care THIS much.
I realise that I won’t feel like this forever. But at the moment I do. Just know sweetheart that I have never been more proud of you as I am today. My Little Man is starting big school and is at the start of his next adventure.
So the time has come to send you on your way with school bag and lunch box in hand to start on this next journey. I will be smiling with encouragement and waving you good bye with the promise of a huge hug when the bell rings. But inside I will feel a little empty for a short while.
Mummy loves you so much, Little Man. Don’t ever forget it. Now, go enjoy yourself. Have fun. Don’t think about missing me, just go and do the best you can at everything and Mummy will be right here waiting for you. Every day. For always.
See you at the school gates beautiful.