The article is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.
Marriage can be a rewarding journey, filled with triumphs, laughter, and happy tears. However, no marriage is perfect, and every couple goes through challenges at some point. Whether it’s financial disputes, infidelity, or communication issues, disagreements and hurt feelings are bound to happen.
The secret to a happy, fulfilling marriage isn’t to avoid conflict. Rather, it’s to take the time to work through issues with unwavering support and dedication to making the relationship stronger. But what happens when one person keeps secrets from the other? In these instances, it can be difficult to separate the truth from the lies and know how to move forward together.
Here, we’ll discuss some of the potential consequences of lying to your spouse and explore ways to restore your marriage if secrets have caused issues in your relationship.
What’s Considered A Secret In A Marriage?
There’s a big difference between keeping something to yourself that you want to stay private and purposefully withholding information that someone else has the right to know. In a marriage, although two people have come together as one, each person is still a separate individual with their own friends, interests, and choices.
Healthy marriages rest on the idea that not every detail of every day or interaction needs to be shared. Both spouses may agree that it’s acceptable to maintain their own friendships and talk about whatever they please, as long as they aren’t disrespecting their spouse. Or spouses may agree that they can hang out with whomever they please as long as details of their relationship aren’t being shared. These are examples of privacy.
When there’s secrecy in a marriage, it means that one partner is intentionally hiding information from another. This goes way beyond hiding a surprise gift for a partner’s upcoming birthday. If you’re wondering whether something is a secret, ask yourself if your partner would be upset by it if they found out and whether you feel shameful or embarrassed about the information. If the answer is yes, and you’re fearful your partner will find out what you’re hiding, it’s considered a secret.
Potential Consequences Of Secret-Keeping
The following are some potential outcomes of secret-keeping in a marriage:
- Erosion of trust: If your spouse discovers a secret you’ve been keeping, they may wonder if there’s more that they don’t know about you. They may also start to assume that everything you tell them is a lie. Without trust and honesty in a relationship, it can break down, making it crucial to restore that strong foundation in your marriage.
- Reduced intimacy: Marriages are some of the most intimate relationships, connecting people on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. Secrets can create barriers to intimacy, hindering both physical and emotional closeness. This can lead to a decline in affection, sex, and deeper conversations that often make a marriage satisfying.
- Emotional distance: Your spouse may not want to share as many details of their life with you anymore because they feel they can’t trust you. You may feel a sense of distance in the relationship, almost as if the two of you are merely existing in the marriage rather than living life together. This sense of detachment within the marriage can make it hard to maintain the relationship.
- Resentment: Feelings of bitterness and anger can be common when one partner discovers that the other has been concealing important aspects of their life. These feelings can linger, growing into resentment over time and causing the relationship to deteriorate.
- A sense of betrayal: Disclosing a secret or having it discovered by a spouse can create feelings of betrayal and hurt, damaging the betrayed spouse’s sense of security and safety in the marriage. These deep emotional wounds can take considerable time and effort to heal, harming the relationship along the way.
Everyone reacts differently when they find out their spouse has been keeping a secret from them. Their reaction can depend on the specific information that’s shared, how the secret affects them, and the severity of the issue being hidden.
Restoring A Marriage Broken By Secrets
If your marriage has been harmed by secrets, there are a few steps you can take to try to restore the relationship you once shared. These include:
- Apologize: It can be crucial for the partner who kept the secret to apologize and explain why they kept it hidden. This can pave the way for reconciliation and a new foundation of trust and honesty.
- Give therapy a try: Attending couples counseling can be healing, as it allows both spouses to voice their feelings, process their hurt, and come up with solutions to repair the marriage. Going to individual therapy may also be beneficial if a spouse wants to discuss a personal issue in more detail or talk through their feelings alone. Some problems can be difficult to discuss face to face, making it more challenging to overcome them. BetterHelp provides online therapy for concerns like pornography addiction, and gambling—which are often hidden from one’s spouse—offering people a discreet way to get the support and guidance they need.
- Practice self-disclosure: Moving forward, it’s critical that the deceptive partner is open and honest about their life. This means admitting one’s struggles, even if they’re embarrassing, and owning up to any other lies or secrets from the past. Being vulnerable can help restore trust in the marriage.
Small Secrets Can Create Big Ripples
The smallest secret may not seem like a big deal to you but may feel like a blow to the stomach for your spouse. For many people, it’s not the act of secret-keeping that hurts most, but the fact that their spouse didn’t trust them enough to be honest. When weighing whether to share something with your partner, put yourself in their shoes while also considering what type of relationship you’d like. Do you want a marriage built on trust and transparency, or on secrecy and deception? Let your answer guide your next steps.