Living With Someone With Depression

Living With Someone With Depression

Depression no longer has the stigma attached to it that it once did. It is openly talked about. It’s in the news. The media. The magazines. Made a topic of conversation because of people in the public eye speaking out about it. And this is a good thing. A very good thing. Finally the world is realising that having depression isn’t something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

I don’t have depression myself. But I know how it affects people. I know how it affects families and how it affects relationships. Depression can be really hard to handle. It can be hard to handle when you’re living with it and it can be hard to handle when you’re living with someone, who’s living with it.

Living with someone who suffers from depression is hard. Really hard. Yet personally I feel like it’s not discussed as openly as depression itself. No we are not the ones directly suffering but depression doesn’t come with an instruction booklet. There’s no guidelines upon diagnosis that the patient can bring home and hand to their loved ones that details how to handle it and there’s certainly no way to foresee how things are going to work out.

Every situation is of course different. Every person who has depression is different and it’s these factors that will determine how it may or may not effect their relationships.

Living with someone with depression

I can only speak from my experience. I can only say that my experience of living with someone, living with depression has been and can be quite lonely.

I’m a talker. When something is bothering me the only way I can sort it out is by talking it through. It makes me feel better. I realise now that not everyone is like that. Some people bottle things up and some people like to stay inside their own head. That for a talker can be hard to accept. Really hard. It can feel like the reason they’re not talking to you is because the problem is your fault and they just don’t want to discuss it. When the person like this has depression and the talker is the one living with them, all this feels like is a huge brick wall.

You feel totally shut out of the situation. Completely helpless. Not needed. Unimportant. Useless.

This can be fine if it’s a solitary circumstance. But when it is all the time? It becomes draining. Eventually it feels like you have no one to talk to. You don’t know what’s going on in their head. You don’t know if the problem is you. They say it’s not but then how do you really know? For certain? When they don’t tell you what the problem really is, what else could it possibly be?

Until there is a diagnosis which can sometimes take years, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. But even when there is a diagnosis the lines of communication can be hard. Chances are if the person affected isn’t a talker. They never will be.

In my experience living with someone living with depression, it has felt at times like a hard slog. I’ve not known which way to turn at times. I have had to stay strong for both of us. For all of us. Our family. At times it’s felt like everything was falling apart. But I ploughed on regardless, just hoping there was a happy ending.

The person that is affected can be anyone. Your son, your daughter, your brother, your sister, your wife, or in my case, your husband.

Living with your partner when they’re living with depression can be extremely isolating. It’s hard to witness them putting on a show, to hide their true feelings to others. Only to come home where they can be themselves and return to the dark place they’d hidden away from before. For that short time you think maybe they’re getting better, only to realise that it was just a front. But there is consolation in the fact that they don’t have to do that around you. There is some solice in that. In marriage and partnership you get the full package. Warts and all. This is no different.

It can be like being on a rollercoaster. There are good days and bad days and each day you wake up never knowing what the day will bring. Will something happen that will turn a good day into a bad day or vice versa? Learning how to adapt your own mood to work with theirs is a skill that’s learned quickly. Changing old habits you may have had. Reacting in a different way so as to not to cause an argument. At times it can feel like the depression is creeping into yourself as well. Usually at night when all is quiet and it’s been the end of a hard day. Thankfully that has never happened to me. Sometimes I wonder how.

Living with someone living with depression is a real test of character. If you’re married to the person it may be the biggest test your marriage will ever have. I think if you can come through that you can come through anything.

Living with someone with depression

I’m a tough cookie and I fight for those I love. I’m devoted and not easily deterred. When I made my vows I meant them. Yes at times it has been hard, very hard. But I know that the person I married is still there. I’m just sharing him with this horrible cloud of depression.

I realise it will never go away. Not completely. But together we have managed to get a little more sunlight instead. There are still ‘cloudy’ days from time to time, usually when I least expect them, but there are far more sunny daysย  lately too. I won’t give up. I know there will be a permanent Summer one day. And we’ll find it together. The way it should be.

Living with someone with depression

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54 Comments

  1. 30th January 2017 / 7:33 pm

    Hi, what a heart felt post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as I’m sure many will find it helpful. The ending says it all. I won’t give up someday there will be a permanent summer one day, Chloe https://pinkiebag.com #MarvelousMondays

    • Jaki
      30th January 2017 / 8:20 pm

      I do hope so. It can feel lonely, so if one person gets something out of this then it will have been worth writing. Thanks so much.

  2. Topfivemum
    30th January 2017 / 8:25 pm

    Oh I really feel for you my lovely. Clearly your husband is under this dark cloud and while it’s awful for him, it must be hard to stand by and watch, especially when it must start to impact your emotions too. I know there’s no ‘cure’ for depression and that’s what can make it so hard for people. It’s like you just want that person you love to just snap out of it and come back to normal, whatever that is. But it isn’t like that. Your post is so very well timed as I met with a friend today who’s long -term partner suffers with depression. She needed a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to take both of their pain away. Maybe by sending your post onto my friend tonight, it may comfort her to know that at least she’s not alone. Thank you and you’re very brave for sharing this. Ruth xx #MarvMondays

    • Jaki
      30th January 2017 / 8:32 pm

      Thank you Ruth. It was one of those ‘shall I shan’t I?!’ posts. I’m so glad I did. Whilst we have got through the tough part, if I can help anyone else that would make me so happy. Please do share it with her and send her my best. I’m sure there are many others like us. We just don’t broadcast it. Thank you for your lovely words. Xx

  3. 30th January 2017 / 11:57 pm

    Bless you, it is hard for the person who has to watch the one they love battle the depression. But how lovely of you to stand by him and help him fight it. I suffer bouts of it myself and would be lost without my OH to support me through the dark days. He doesn’t always understand but he does care and that is what is most important. #marvmondays

    • Jaki
      31st January 2017 / 5:34 pm

      It’s difficult when you don’t know what’s going on in the heads of the sufferer. I guess that’s what the frustration boils down to. We care and we want to help in whatever way we can. In our circumstances me not pestering is what helps. So we just get on with it. Thank you for leaving a lovely comment and I hope you are doing okay.

  4. 31st January 2017 / 1:06 am

    Such a powerful post and as someone who has experienced depression really helpful for me to see it from the other side.

    • Jaki
      31st January 2017 / 5:32 pm

      Thank you so much. That means a lot. I think it helped my husband too – although he didn’t say much, but I’m used to that! ๐Ÿ˜„ I hope you are feeling better now.

  5. 31st January 2017 / 3:51 pm

    What a really heartfelt post – as I was reading it I was thinking how right you are that we never talk about the people living and loving those with depression. It sounds like you have such a great attitude to it, and I’ms sure that you have lots more sunny days to come! #twinklytuesday

    • Jaki
      31st January 2017 / 5:30 pm

      I try! It’s not been easy but then things worth trying hard for never are, are they? Thanks for your kind words ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. 31st January 2017 / 3:54 pm

    Dropping in from #anythinggoes and wanted to commend you for writing this. I think depression is so misunderstood and more people should speak on it. Knowledge=power.

    • Jaki
      31st January 2017 / 5:29 pm

      I agree. It’s getting better. But I don’t think we’re completely there yet. Thank you for your kind words.

  7. 1st February 2017 / 8:50 am

    Very honest and well written my post. Having suffered from depression myself, I can imagine it must be very hard to live with someone who has the condition. It takes patience and an abundance of understanding.
    Well done for writing this and I think many will relate to it #anythinggoes

    • Jaki
      1st February 2017 / 9:22 am

      Thanks lovely. I do hope so. It just occurred to me before I wrote about it that I’d never seen anything g like it before so I do hope others will relate. Hope you’re doing okay now. X

  8. 1st February 2017 / 4:35 pm

    Oh hunny – this is so beautiful. I often wonder how Hubby feels as I suffer from Depression and have had a couple of bad episodes in our relationship.
    He has proven to be my rock and I try to be there for him but he doesnt open up and i wonder if its as he’s too scared to burden me with more issues to cope with or if ill snap and say its not as bad as what im feeling.
    Please know and speaking as the one in the marriage who has depression – you are appreciated. more than I think you’ll realise. He knows how much you love him. He may not show it, but he loves you and loves how you’re sticking by him especially in the tough times.
    Keep doing what you’re doing and just hold his hand so he knows when he comes out the otherside you’re still with him the whole way xxx
    #anythinggoes

    • Jaki
      2nd February 2017 / 8:52 pm

      This is a lovely comment. Thank you.
      Sorry to hear you’re suffering too. It’s so sad that it even exists and such a shame so many people suffer. Hugs to you all xxx

      • 5th February 2017 / 6:42 pm

        popping back from #blogstravaganza
        I think i’d be alot worse if it wasnt for the support I get behind closed doors – hope you’re ok lovely. im here if you need to chat xx

  9. 2nd February 2017 / 12:29 pm

    Such a heartfelt, beautifully written post. I have never lived with someone who has depression, but a few close friends have suffered with bouts of it over the years. You’re right about not knowing what to do or say, or how to handle it. It must be so much worse when it is your husband… Hope that permanent summer day is just around the corner for you.
    #FamilyFun
    By the way your photos are stunning!

    • Jaki
      2nd February 2017 / 4:20 pm

      Thanks so much for such a lovely comment. X

  10. 2nd February 2017 / 6:25 pm

    This was so beautifully written and honest. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said how isolating it can be. Great post! ๐ŸŒŸ Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime ๐ŸŽ‰

    • Jaki
      2nd February 2017 / 8:50 pm

      Thank you. And thank you for your kind words ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. 2nd February 2017 / 8:48 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with #DreamTeam I think it’s great that he has you.

    • Jaki
      2nd February 2017 / 8:50 pm

      Ah that’s kind. Thank you.

  12. 2nd February 2017 / 9:10 pm

    I’m the one with the mental illness in my marriage, I worry about how my husband copes with it a lot. Really interesting reading this. He sounds lucky to have you, I hope you get to your permanent summer, and I’m so pleased there are more sunny days for you 2 now. #ablogginggoodtime

    • Jaki
      3rd February 2017 / 9:36 pm

      Ah thank you and I hope things are okay with you aswell. So sorry to hear you suffer with it too. Such a horrible illness. Xx

  13. 2nd February 2017 / 10:11 pm

    I salute your openness on the issue. I’ve been in a relationship with someone who suffered depression, and it didn’t work out, Possibly, and probably not entirely because of the depression. I do know how you feel though, and in all honestly, I got dragged down with it. It must be tough when kids are involved too, and lifelong commitment, but that’s a real testament to the strength of your marriage. On another note, my brother suffered with severe mental health problems and seeing my Mum struggle with is was probably just as hard as watching him in despair – there definitely is nowhere enough support for families.
    Thanks so much for sharing with #coolmumclub today, on #timetotalk day xx

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:19 pm

      Thanks so much. It’s a hard slog at times, but he’s worth it. I’m a tough cookie, thankfully ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. 3rd February 2017 / 7:52 am

    Very heartfelt. My older children’s dad has depression and it wasn’t easy. Now he never sees them (or sends them any child support, but that’s another matter) and I’ve had to explain that he is poorly in the head but they don’t understand ๐Ÿ™
    #bestandworst

    • Jaki
      3rd February 2017 / 9:31 pm

      Oh that’s sad. So sorry to hear that. I hope throngs work out for them with him eventually.

  15. 3rd February 2017 / 10:35 am

    I know from friends what it can be like to live with someone with depression and I know it can be monumentally hard and although there is more talk about depression these days there is still a lot more dialogue about those who live with those with depression that needs to happen. Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub with this heartfelt post darling xoxo

    • Jaki
      3rd February 2017 / 9:30 pm

      I’m so pleased that this post has been so well received. I was very nervous about sharing it. Everyone has been lovely, including you. Thank you xx

  16. 3rd February 2017 / 7:28 pm

    Great post and well written. Good to read too, I think depression is still not talked about Orr acknowledged enough so more posts like this really help! โ€ชThank you for linking up to the #familyfunlinkyโ€ฌ

    • Jaki
      3rd February 2017 / 9:23 pm

      My pleasure lovely. Thank you for sharing.

  17. 4th February 2017 / 4:12 pm

    What a hard heartfelt post to write. Hopefully you’ve helped others realise they’re not alone and every way to raise awareness obviously helps X
    #coolmumclub

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:17 pm

      I really hope so. That was the aim of the post after all. It felt good to get it out there. I love how blogging can be so therapeutic. Thank you x

  18. 4th February 2017 / 8:57 pm

    Great honest post. It’s not easy to talk about it and a lot of people don’t understand. I’s sure this has helped lots of people and been of comfort. #BloggerClubUK

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:16 pm

      I do hope so. It will have been worth writing it if it has ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you.

  19. 5th February 2017 / 8:11 am

    This is a wonderful post I expect so many can relate to it. I certainly know how you feel at times and you have expressed it so well. It’s hard but you sound like we doing amazingly at keeping everything together. Lots of love xx thanks for joining ya at #familyfun

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:14 pm

      Thank you. It is tough at times, but he’s worth it. Thanks for your kind words xx

  20. 5th February 2017 / 5:07 pm

    I can really relate to this post. My husband became ill a few years ago with his epilepsy and then they found a brain aneurysm. He lost his independence for a while and it was so, so hard that he became depressed too and does every-so-often still even though things have improved a lot over the last 15 months. I think it’s his medication too! Sometimes he’s really down and really hard to motivate. In between work, uni, and the three kids, it can be really difficult and it’s certainly been a test for us.

    We all love each other and always try to be mindful of each other. It can be hard when I’m stressed and he’s down as sometimes we forget to be mindful. I think we could actually overcome anything and at least we’ve experienced this together – we can get through anything I think!

    Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way!

    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGOes

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:12 pm

      It’s tough isn’t it? Being strong for everyone. In the midst of all of this my Mum went through Chemotherapy and at one point I was petrified I was going to go down the same route as my hubby. Thankfully, I don’t know how, but that didn’t happen. You’re right though, I think if you can get through this, you can get through most things. I hope things stay on a positive run for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing your story ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. Kirsty
    5th February 2017 / 5:14 pm

    This is everything in my head!
    Fantastic post x

    • Jaki
      5th February 2017 / 5:18 pm

      Thank you. Sorry to hear that you’re coping with this too. I hope you are okay. x

  22. 6th February 2017 / 1:04 pm

    It’s so great that you are raising awareness surrounding mental health and around the fact that it doesn’t just affect the sufferer. Depression is such a complex illness and I commend you for taking the time to understand it and offer support to the ones you love. It’s important that we all continue to talk about mental health – education is key! Thanks so much for linking up to #Blogstravaganza xx

    • Jaki
      7th February 2017 / 4:53 pm

      Thank you. I’m so pleased I hit publish on this one. I was in two minds but the response I’ve had had been amazing. Xx

  23. Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons
    6th February 2017 / 4:24 pm

    I suffered with depression before I met my husband and I lived alone, but reading this I can imagine how hard it must be to be in a relationship with someone with depression. I’m always more of a ‘bottle it up’ kind of person, but I know when I had depression that I shut myself off from relationships in general. To have your partner do that to you must be so difficult, and I’d really struggle to know how to support them. You sound like you’re both doing a wonderful job in supporting each other and I’m sure you’ll come through it stronger together. Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Jaki
      7th February 2017 / 4:52 pm

      Sorry to hear you’ve suffered too. It’s a horrible illness. I just take one day at a time and be as understanding as possible. Even though it’s hard at times. Thank you for a lovely comment. X

  24. 6th February 2017 / 9:31 pm

    I often think about my poor husband and having to live with me. He is my rock and I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. But what about him? It must be tough. He has no idea which wife he is going to come home to and even then a switch can flick at any moment. We talk it a lot, as I think its important to. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Jaki
      7th February 2017 / 4:50 pm

      It’s great that you talk. That’s one thing I wish my husband would do more of. But that’s just not him. X

  25. 7th February 2017 / 3:06 am

    People often do not talk about the impact that depression has on family members. You beautifully captured those emotions and I admire your ability to keep your perspective. I hope that your husband is receptive to getting the help he needs. All my best to you and your family. #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Jaki
      7th February 2017 / 4:50 pm

      Thanks so much. It was a strange one to write – almost not knowing if I should. But I’m glad I did. The response I’ve had has been amazing.

  26. 9th February 2017 / 9:28 pm

    This is a beautiful, honest, heartfelt post. People don’t often talk about the impact it can have on others. I love that you wrote this. xxxx

    • Jaki
      10th February 2017 / 9:42 am

      Thanks Sarah – that means a lot ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

  27. 10th July 2017 / 11:21 am

    Hi Jaki,
    I must apologise, as today is the first time I saw this post of yours.
    Brave post, of which you should be commended for publishing (we’ve all written posts that we then ‘draft’ or ‘delete’!!) having been on both sides of this particular fence, its hard in both camps. “poco y poco” as the Spanish say, which roughly translated is little by little.

    This is not meant as a direct plug, but we are finding a lot of clients are joining us now who are openly admitting they are suffering from either anxiety or depression.
    This is great news, as they are taking positive steps towards talking control of their lives. The best part for us? It’s working for them. Regular floatation is helping them to ‘reset’ themselves, to the point where some of those clients are now using Floatation to wean themselves off their medications. Now that is powerful!!

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