I feel as though for the last four years I have spent my life in a complete whirlwind. I genuinely feel like I don’t stop. Mentally and physically I am always in a rush.
I don’t think I’ve always been like it. Not that I can remember much of life pre-child (tell me other Mums feel the same!). But I’m sure I didn’t feel like I was constantly in a battle against the clock from morning until night.
Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t necessarily about my lack of organisation skills and for example – getting somewhere on time (although I’m pretty bad at that, always have been!). This is about me feeling in a rush in my head. I swear, it’s the pressure I put myself under, mentally.
Since the day I was handed my baby, a little over four years and three months ago, I have been watching the clock. It starts with the feeds. Then the naps. Then how many hours they are sleeping through. Then what time I need to get up to get us both out of the door in the morning. Then getting to work on time. Then making sure I get all of my work done in the three and half hours I have before making sure I get home on time to be there to pick the little man up from whichever grandparent he is at. Then later making sure he’s eaten on time so he can have a bath on time so he can be in bed on time.
It’s exhausting just thinking about it. In the evenings when I have the time to get the laptop on, I feel like I am still rushing to get blogging tasks done. Link up posts to linkys. Comment on other blog posts. Write my blog posts. Sort out all of the images. Schedule social media. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about these tasks because I love blogging, I really do. It’s just these tasks add to the constant clutter in my brain that works alongside the ticking of the clock.
The time that this happens that irritates me the most is when I have a trip out of the house without my Little Man. I may be popping to town to get my nails done or get a bit of shopping. The little fella is safe at home with is Dad and yet still I feel like I am in a rush to get home. It’s like it is engrained in me psychologically and I can’t for the life of me escape it.
I can be sat writing a blog post and I am rushing to get the words typed out before I forget where I’m going with it. Desperate to get the post draft written so I can concentrate on making the necessary tweaks and amendments until I’m happy with it.
The ridiculous thing is – none of these things that I am rushing to get done, or getting myself in a tizz over is a matter of life and death. They are really trivial when I think about it. Nobody is saying to me that I have to be home by a certain time (in most cases). It’s me that seems to be psychologically torturing myself into thinking that I have to be. Even though I know everything is fine without me and that in all honesty – I deserve that break.
I’m not sure what the answer is and I’m not sure if I can change. It feels like it’s the way I’m programmed and wired. And can that really be changed? Because after all, how can you change who you are? And if I could, would I want to? Does this not make me the person that I am today? The Mum that I am today? It’s a tough one.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve typed this post that fast I need to go back and correct all the typos.
How about you, are you always in a rush or are you the total opposite? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I regularly link up to these lovely linkys.