Guest blog: Marriage: A Matter of Faff and Death by ‘KennettDoes…’

When I recently asked all of you lovely people if there were any of you that would like to guest post on my blog while I was away on holiday, I was so overwhelmed by the response. It was a huge success and so it has been something that I have decided to continue, for as long as people still want to get involved of course! I’m really excited to be able to publish another fantastic post on behalf of a great new blogger by the name of Grant Kennett from KennettDoes.

I truly love Grant’s writing. I’ve read every single one of his blog posts and am so pleased he agreed to me posting this one. I know you will love it too. You can’t help but have a little chuckle along with him as you read.

Enough of my waffling. This spot is for Grant…

KennettDoes…Marriage: A Matter of Faff and Death

 

Hello to you all! My name is Grant, I am a 28 year old epitome of the average-Joe and I am stoked to be writing this on Jaki’s fantastic blog; big thank you to you Jaki for the opportunity!

Now, if you are among the few hundred that have somehow tripped over my blog KennettDoes during what I can only think must have been a long, troublesome poo, you will have become familiar with my random rants and ramblings. Be they about that guy that always brings a lunch to work that smells like the inner sanctum of Satan’s backside, or next door’s cat leaving its delightful excretions on my doorstep, my posts always aim to tackle the most fundamental and pressing matters of human existence.

With this in mind, these latest musings of mine will once again stop the Earth’s rotation for a brief second and leave you aghast and dribbly-mouthed in total wonderment. Ready? Here goes: I AM GETTING MARRIED…

Firstly, let me please apologise to the scores of women who will undoubtedly be devastated by this news. You are all correct, my fiancée is an extremely lucky lady. Now I have convinced myself of all of that, I’ll move on to the more pressing issue at hand; what a bloody palaver this wedding lark is!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my future wife to pieces and I want nothing more than to greet her at the end of that aisle, slip that £550 piece of metal onto her finger and commit my future to her. I cannot wait to be surrounded by our families and friends on the day [of reckoning] and share all of the joy that such an occasion will bring with the people we care about most. But when you really break down what the day entails, it really is an amalgam of total faff, isn’t it?

Primarily, there’s the food. Think about it; with every celebration there is copious amounts of grub. What’s with that?! Happy Birthday, here’s a cake! Oh dear, Granny’s pegged it, let’s plant her then put on a lovely spread to soften the grief. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Kennett, now we’ve lobbed thousands of pieces of coloured paper all over you, let’s have a three course meal with coffee on you because you haven’t spent enough already! Oh yeah, and give it a couple of hours and we’ll smash the hog roast as well as we’ll definitely be hungry again…

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But hold up, not only have we got to agonise over what wine goes with what, Aunt Doris’ gluten intolerance and what sauce to coat the breasts with (well, it is my wedding night after all), we also have to embroil ourselves in the pathetic intricacies of family politics. I am of course referring to, the Table Plan…if we have to screw it up for the eighth time because we discover Uncle X can’t sit next to Second Cousin Y because he drunkenly squeezed his ex-wife’s arse at the wedding of Sister-in-Law Z, I will actually garrotte myself with my duck-egg (NOT blue, apparently) cravat…

All of this is in jest, of course. I am sure that everything will proceed very smoothly on the day, my bride will look absolutely incredible, the food will go down a treat and the speeches will be both heartfelt and hilari…OH DEAR GOD, THE SPEECHES!!! The period of the day when a three-pronged attack on the groom determines his very existence and suitability not only as a husband, but wholly as a man as well.

To kick off the onslaught, up steps the Father-in-Law; a gooey softness in his eyes as he gazes upon his beautiful daughter, only to then turn me into a couple of shoes filled with smouldering soot when his glare shifts. Prior to today, he’s always been warm and friendly. But now I am symbolically snatching the innocence of his purest and dearest (on a day he’s bloody paid for as well, just to make it worse), I am nothing more that the spawn of the devil. I sit there, squirming, very quickly extinguishing any wedding night plans that pop into my head as I’m pretty sure he can read my mind right now…

With pants freshly filled with this morning’s breakfast, I squelch up from my seat and prepare for my own speech. This is it, Kennett. Now you redeem yourself and show you are the gallant hero and great protector of this fine woman by your side. With chest bursting (followed by downing the remainder of the cheap plonk we were forced into getting when the budget ran low), I prepare to exult my manliness and give a great display of husband-ness, only to gaze at my notes and see the line: ‘I’d like to thank my Mother and Father-in law for the gift of their daughter; one I very much look forward to unwrapping later’…in some prior, parallel universe, I sat writing that thinking I was a comic genius. More ‘epic penis’, as it turns out…

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But it’s not over yet. Upon sitting to utter silence and a fresh grenade being thrown from the other side of my bride I am now cowering behind, up steps my oldest friend. A year ago, asking the man I have known since the age of 2 and who knows everything there is to know about me to be my best man seemed like a no-brainer. But now, as he stands with a smirk that can only mean every private part of my being is about to be flopped across these 10 beautifully decorated banquet tables, I suddenly feel he was a terrible choice. As I slide lower and lower down the chair to a cacophony of laughter over tales of ‘his little chap’, ‘crying, half naked into his dad’s lap’ and ‘grinding the clearly-taken girl in the club’, the three-pronged speech attack has certainly taken its toll…stick a fork in me, I’m bloodied, battered and a totally inadequate husband.

Yet all of this is not the point really, is it? At the end of this crazy day, I will be married to not only the most amazing human I have ever met, but also the most amazing human that has ever had the misfortune of stumbling over my presence. This monumental freak-out in the company of Jaki’s followers aside, I am absolutely buzzing for it; as I’m sure the vast majority of you married people out there will relate to. Just as long as I dodge a couple of bullets, make sure Uncle X keeps his hands to himself and I don’t make eye contact with Dad-in-law, all will be well.

Anyways, I’m off to sort the suits out. Do they come with wipe-clean trousers…?

 

You can find more amusing anecdotes over on Grant’s own blog KennettDoes and he’s also on Twitter at @KennettDoes being equally as funny and witty. Go give him a follow and say ‘hi’…  Also feel free to leave us some comments below and let us know if you enjoyed the post.

Thanks for reading and thanks again to Grant for a great contribution.

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14 Comments

  1. 2nd July 2016 / 11:32 am

    Huge thank you for this, Jaki! Was a pleasure writing for you 😊

    • 2nd July 2016 / 5:59 pm

      My pleasure! It’s a great addition! 😄

  2. 2nd July 2016 / 11:09 pm

    heh heh…and five years after the wedding you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about….(the tables can be a minefield, but that’s to prepare you for keeping to families happy on Christmas day….)

    • 2nd July 2016 / 11:34 pm

      Thanks for your comment Lydia. I too got married five years ago but I remember the stress only too well! All that planning and it’s over in the blink of an eye. Well worth it though 🙂

  3. 3rd July 2016 / 5:31 am

    It is a special day and sometimes can become “too much”. You will remember some of it but people seem to remember the stress more. However, you can usually laugh about in the years to come.
    Bev

    • 5th July 2016 / 8:50 pm

      Certainly can! We had a leaking roof at our venue on our wedding day! It’s funny now but wasn’t at the time!! Not to me anyway! Thanks for reading.

  4. alisonlonghurst
    3rd July 2016 / 4:49 pm

    Weddings are an expensive faff! At least you can see humour in it. Of course, it’s all worth it in the end! Have s great day. Alison #justanotherlinky

    • 5th July 2016 / 8:51 pm

      Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  5. 4th July 2016 / 10:25 pm

    This made me smile, as someone helping plan their sisters wedding at the moment, there are many things I’m worried about and this has brightened my day! 🙂

    #justanotherlinky

    • 5th July 2016 / 8:53 pm

      We are glad you enjoyed it! I’m sure Grant’s day will run like clockwork! Thanks for reading.

  6. 7th July 2016 / 7:48 pm

    I was so stressed planning my wedding. Things like table plans and food choices seemed so so important at the time and yet now, six years on, I cant even remember who half of the guests were or even what we ate! How bad is that!! #fortheloveofBLOG

    • 8th July 2016 / 12:49 am

      I know exactly what you mean! Funny in hindsight! Thanks for your comment.

  7. 7th July 2016 / 10:40 pm

    Love this, what a great guest post and a new blogger to go check out too 🙂 all that planning will be worth it and whatever goes wrong on the day cant be changed, kick back it goes super quickly! xxx #FriYAYLinky

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