Why We Shouldn’t Have To Feel The Baby Pressure

Why We Shouldn’t Have To Feel The Baby Pressure

It feels like that ever since my little man was born, I’ve had the same question. “Are you going to have another one?” Sometimes it feels like everyone is just waiting for us to announce that we are having another baby. Sometimes I feel like I’m under total baby pressure.

And it’s not just me. There are millions of women out there who feel this pressure every day. Millions of women who are getting asked the same question. Women like me, who perhaps already have one, or even two, maybe more. But there are other women too. Women who may want children but haven’t found themselves in the right relationship yet. Women who may want children but have worked hard at their career and are in two minds about what to do – racked with the guilt of feeling selfish for putting themselves first. Women who want babies but their partner doesn’t and so they deal with the heartache this brings them daily. Women who don’t want babies, yet it’s assumed that they do and they will, but their real feelings aren’t understood. Women who desperately want babies but for medical reasons they can’t. Women who have miscarried and no one knows. Yet they find themselves having to answer the same questions. When are you going to have a baby?

And it’s not just women, of course. There are men involved in these decisions and circumstances and they too feel the pressure. A pressure they shouldn’t have to feel. At least not because of someone else.

baby pressure

The decision to have a baby is a monumental one. In hindsight, for me, bigger than I ever really thought about. The decision is personal and sometimes totally out of our control. The decision can be hard to make or the circumstances hard to accept. The topic is a sensitive one. The topic could be something that the person you’re asking doesn’t wish to discuss, for reasons they have the right to keep private. It is theirs to know and to share if and when they want to.

I know it feels like a natural question to ask. I have been guilty of it myself, on more than one occasion. But these days I think a little bit more before I do, if I even do at all, which these days is very rarely.

I wish more people thought more before throwing the baby question around. If the person you are talking to wants to discuss their family plans with you, I am pretty certain they will likely bring it up first. They will bring it up when they want to, not when they feel they have to justify their answers to someone.

The baby pressure we put ourselves under can be a really tough thing to live with, but it can be handled a lot easier when we don’t face it from others aswell. If everybody thought a little before they asked, eventually, we might not feel it quite as much at all.

 

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32 Comments

  1. 12th November 2016 / 2:23 pm

    I had real trouble conceiving my second- people assume because the first came fairly easily the second will too – I used to burst into tears when people asked (not necessarily on purpose but it shut them up!!)

    #ThatFridayLinky

    • Jaki
      13th November 2016 / 10:15 am

      Great tactic!!! I like your thinking. Thanks for reading.

  2. CaptainKirt
    12th November 2016 / 5:49 pm

    When we decided to have our second it was the right time for us both. Our girls were born 5 years apart which worked well for us. We considered a 3rd but problems with our eldest precluded that. My wife would love another child but now is the time for us, we are now in a position to enjoy each other without worrying about babysitting or childcare. It’s a complicated formula with no right or wrong answers.

    • Jaki
      13th November 2016 / 10:14 am

      It certainly is. You have to do what is right for you and not what is expected. Thank you for stopping by.

  3. 13th November 2016 / 11:48 am

    It is a sensitive and personal question. There is always something: When will you get married? When will you have a baby? When will you have another baby! I think people just ask as a way of starting a conversation, but I agree with you, I do wish they didn’t. #PoCoLo

    • Jaki
      13th November 2016 / 10:15 pm

      Thank you. They probably don’t think ir don’t realise. But I guess by making people aware, by way of posts like these it’s a start… thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

  4. 13th November 2016 / 3:34 pm

    I absolutely love this post. For years before I had my daughter, people who ask me and I just wasn’t ready but had no desire to discuss it. Now I get the occasional question about a second and quite honestly it’s a sensitive topic because my husband and I aren’t quite in the same place right now. Similarly I’ve had friends who have been asked by family but in private have suffered a recent miscarriage. You’re quite right – you just don’t know what’s going on and honestly it’s none of your business. I think if you’re asking a very close friend and it’s an open invitation to talk (as my best friend recently did) then it’s one thing. As a general nosey question, it’s just not cool! #fortheloveofBLOG

    • Jaki
      13th November 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Thank you so much. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. I completely agree with you if it’s a close friend then that is something completely different. I think some people just genuinely don’t think!!

  5. Nige
    13th November 2016 / 9:31 pm

    It’s one of the most annoying questions so I had five they gave up at 3 lol great post Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

    • Jaki
      13th November 2016 / 10:21 pm

      Haha! I don’t think I fancy going that far to stop the question!! Thanks so much, I’ll be sure to pop back next week.

  6. 13th November 2016 / 10:55 pm

    Ughh. I hate this. I’ve never dealt with this situation personally, but I know people who have.
    The way I see it is, It’s nothing to do with ANYONE ELSE but you and your partner.
    No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, or in other people’s heads.
    It’s no one elses business!

    • Jaki
      14th November 2016 / 5:20 pm

      Completely agree! Hopefully people will start to realise. X

  7. 15th November 2016 / 2:25 pm

    I am asked this all the time especially now my daughter is six and I’ve been with my partner for four years but it’s just not the right time for us! #MarvMondays

    • Jaki
      15th November 2016 / 8:51 pm

      Same here. It annoys me how there is always an assumption that because you’ve had one you’re going to have another one. Thanks for reading.

  8. 17th November 2016 / 9:22 am

    Theres way too much shaming over babies and most of the time people dont know the reasons why. I remember my ex mother in law telling me we would have another baby and we would get Ella christened. I told her to bog off on both counts!! We’ve been asked if me and my husband woll have any more but with two prems in a row i couldnt do it again. Thanksfor joining us for #marvmondays

    • Jaki
      17th November 2016 / 10:29 am

      Good for you for standing your ground! Understandably so given your circumstances. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

  9. 17th November 2016 / 12:41 pm

    There shouldn’t be baby pressure from anyone outside the mom & dad. I just don’t understand why people ask that question. Or offer advice on when is best to have the next baby. It seems this is a common thing as I’ve read a few other posts today about inappropriate things people ask each other about kids!! Thank you for sharing your post with us at #BloggerClubUK xx

    • Jaki
      17th November 2016 / 1:27 pm

      My pleasure Becky. It seems the more open we are being about parenting – the more critical and judgemental people are becoming over our choices. xx

  10. 17th November 2016 / 3:13 pm

    Great post – love how you expressed your thoughts on this, but also including the many parents around the world too!

    We have the one child – he just turned three – and since he was about 6 months I’ve been asked time and time again, in various forms, as to when baby number two is coming… And nobody listens when I repeat the same thing over and over again – we only plan on having the one baby. I’m met with how that’s cruel, oh he needs a sibling, he is so handsome you’d have a beautiful girl, oh it’ll change when he is off to school. When none of those things matter to me, or my partner. We have one child, we only wanted one child, we are extremely lucky to be blessed with the one child; why can’t others just be happy with that and understand we’re happy as a family of three.

    Sorry! I feel like I just went on a rant in your comments! Really relatable post.

    • Jaki
      17th November 2016 / 9:05 pm

      So pleased you liked the post and could relate to it! You are not alone in the ‘one child’ scenario, I promise you! It’s so frustrating how people make the assumption because you’ve had one you will have another. And people are so judgemental. Thanks for your comment 🙂

  11. 17th November 2016 / 7:54 pm

    I totally agree with this. Sometimes I have been on the receiving end of this and sometimes I can’t help but ask it myself to others. Definitely need to think more about what I say as it can be annoying. It’s funny how when I got married people just automatically assumed babies would be on the cards. And in a way so did I. It was definitely a decision that I probably didn’t consider as much as I should have.

    Amina xx | http://www.AliandHer.com #ablogginggoodtime

    • Jaki
      17th November 2016 / 9:07 pm

      Me too! You have no idea how much things are going to change! Not that I would change him for the world now but I may have waited a little longer. Thanks for reading and commenting. X

  12. 17th November 2016 / 8:09 pm

    I know exactly what you mean. I have a fair few friends that I know want a baby but don’t have the relationship to go with the creating the baby. SOmetimes I’ve felt bad having a baby myself know its somehting that they want. So I am cautious what I ever say. I strangly enough have never been asked, I want a 2nd but we’ve not started trying yet. Not that I’m answering your question there! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun!

    • Jaki
      17th November 2016 / 9:08 pm

      Lovely linky that I’ve only just discovered – thank you for inviting me and thank you for a lovely comment. X

  13. 17th November 2016 / 10:23 pm

    This is a great post. I’m happily childless, my husband and I have been married 31 years andade a conscious decision even before wearried that we did not want children, but agreed that if one changed their mind the other would support that decision. Don’t get me wrong we’re in no way child haters but both came from homes where parenting was far from ideal. My own mother was totally inadequate in every way. We thought that being a parent is the biggest role and job we could ever gave and if we hot it wrong we would dcrew up another human being. In retrospect we would have made good parents but neither of us regret our decision we dote on nephews and nieces and now their children.
    But in the early years we were ‘challenged’ many times about why we didn’t have children. Some people were quite rude, even people we barely knew felt they had a right to discuss this with us.
    This is a great piece about.

    • Jaki
      19th November 2016 / 9:09 pm

      Thank you Elaine. I’m so pleased you enjoyed it. A lot of people resonate with it and that’s good to know when publishing a post like this. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a nice comment. X

  14. 18th November 2016 / 3:45 pm

    I’ve never asked that question again after experiencing 2 miscarriages and having a friend who went through fertility treatment several times, as I realised just how painful it was for some people. Great post! 🌟 Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

    • Jaki
      19th November 2016 / 9:07 pm

      I’m glad you liked the post. So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I can’t begin to imagine how hard that was. X

  15. 18th November 2016 / 9:04 pm

    OH the baby decision is massive, bigger than I think I have it credit for too.. Its difficult because I think people are curious but sometimes they are opening a can of worm that they don’t realise. I had two in 11 months, a girl and a boy so I always get – are you having any more? You don’t need to now. I mean how weird is that to say?! I know people don’t mean anything by it but still its a strange one and people certainly shouldn’t feel any pressure about it. Thank you for sharing this at #FamilyFun

    • Jaki
      19th November 2016 / 9:03 pm

      It’s my pleasure. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and could relate to it. Most people have been able to do I’m pleased I shared it. 🙂

  16. Janet
    19th November 2016 / 8:35 pm

    This is a pet-hate of mine! I have a friend who due to health reasons, risked her own health just having one and would never have another because she was so ill during her pregnancy and cares so much about her daughter that she already has to put her through it – she has her now and she is ultimately her priority. Of course, her parents accept this but his parents are not so supportive and make her feel inferior because she can not have another.

    I have another friend who is awesome with children, and yet she hasn’t met the right person and has said she will most likely never have them now, which is also fine. I had another friend who was a bit older and had a baby even though it didn’t work out with the father – but she wanted the baby and is an excellent mother.

    I have three children and I will be honest, there was a time when we wanted to have lots of children. It’s not that we can’t but other things began to take priority – for one thing, we wanted to give the best life possible to the three we had who were in constant childcare from 7:30am-6pm daily because we worked full time. We knew if we had another it would be further drain on finances and we wouldn’t be able to give the children the life we wanted to! Then my husband became ill and lost his job and we couldn’t afford childcare, couldn’t get any help and yet I couldn’t leave the children alone with him whilst I worked for a while because he was having epileptic seizures every day, several times. I think what I’m trying to say is that things happen!

    After further health conditions my husband is sorted and is going to be looking for a part-time job hopefully, soon. We have a nice life with our children now as they are all of school age and attend football and swimming clubs and if we both worked as much as we used to, we couldn’t possibly take them to and from clubs. When my husband was ill we made the decision that there would be no more children because we had enough going on in our lives and another child would have added to the stress – we have three healthy, wonderful children! Now my youngest is of school age, and I’m in my final year of University, there is no way I would have any more.

    I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s a personal choice and it’s quite invasive to ask questions like that. I do think we need to move away from the attitudes in society because it’s okay to want 1 child or even no children, in fact if you can afford it, have as many as you like but to all the people who comment, it’s a personal choice and often based on different factors in life that you may not know or even understand!

    Please don’t feel under pressure – you are in control of your life and it shouldn’t be you feeling pressured, but those who pressuring you should be questioning why they feel the need to do so!

    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

    • Jaki
      19th November 2016 / 8:44 pm

      Thanks so much for such a great comment. I think you’ve totally hit the nail on the head with your examples and it completely backs up all of my points! I’m glad your hubby is on the mend and things are looking up for you. Good luck with your final year too 🙂

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