He broke me…

He broke me…

 

I did plan on writing today but it wasn’t going to be this post. This one has come completely out of the blue. Totally unplanned. They say it’s best to write when you feel the emotion so here I am. Because not only am I emotional, I’m broken. It’s not yet 2pm on a Saturday afternoon and my child has broken me. Well and truly broken me.

I don’t particularly enjoy writing these types of blogs because it’s never the kind of thing that any parent wants to admit to. No one really wants to admit that their child has pushed them beyond limits they didn’t even know they’d got. No one wants to admit that they were stood in the middle of a shopping centre feeling like they’re about to have a breakdown because their child has been whining and moaning and stamping and kicking for the last half an hour all because you wouldn’t buy them a ยฃ1.99 Lego Blind Bag from Argos. No one wants to be ‘that parent’. You know, the one that’s losing her shit in the middle of Boots because her child doesn’t understand why bad behaviour isn’t rewarded with a lollipop? No one wants to be ‘that parent’ that everyone is staring at because their child is apparently out of control and they can’t do anything to rectify the situation. No one wants to be ‘that parent’ that feels like a total bloody failure.

I know I’m not. But on days like this you can’t help but wonder to yourself ‘where did I go wrong?!’ It’s on days like this that there never seems to be any other child being a living nightmare. It’s only yours that you can hear screaming and it’s only you that everyone is staring at. Looks of disgust. Looks of pity and the occasional looks of sympathy.

I know I haven’t gone wrong anywhere. He is three. He is growing and learning everyday and everyday brings more frustrations for him. He is in the process of giving up daytime naps so by the weekend he is shattered. So he gets grumpy. He gets arsey. He gets shitty and he takes it out on me. Just like we do when we get tired. I can’t blame him for that.

big emotions LR Knost quote

So as I sit here in the car now calm has been restored and I’m looking at his long eyelashes and listening to his gentle sighs as he sleeps, I wonder how I can handle it better next time?

My answer? I probably won’t. There will be more times like this. Probably many more. I get that, I really do. And I probably won’t handle it any better next time. Who does really? Being a parent can be really bloody hard and today I’ve felt the worst I have in a very long time. But I’m ok. He broke me, yes. But I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off and put myself back together again. And the reason? Because I’m his Mum and he needs me.

He needs me to help him get through his frustrations. He needs me to take it out on and he needs me to understand him. He needs me to be there for the cuddle when he realises he’s done wrong. He needs me to tell him it’s all okay and he needs me to love him unconditionally. And I do. Oh how I do. More than anything in the world. More than I ever thought possible. More than life itself. He can break me over and over again, but my love for him will never, ever change.

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27 Comments

  1. 7th July 2016 / 8:10 am

    Love this. We’ve all been there, some more often then we’d like to admit. This is a breath of fresh air in a see of ‘cherish every moment’ hashtags. Big hugs- tomorrow (or maybe even the afternoon) will be better x

    #fartglitter

    • 8th July 2016 / 12:48 am

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. He’s been quite good in the days since! We’ll see what the weekend brings….! X

  2. 8th July 2016 / 10:39 pm

    Oh I am there a lot at the moment. Dealing with a three year old is so different from anything. Everything can be so good and then bam – they are having a meltdown. It sounds like you are doing your best and that really is all you can do. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    • 10th July 2016 / 12:48 am

      Three is hard, right? They are worth it though. Every god damn hard second of it. Thanks so much for commentinga and reading. X

  3. aliduke79hotmailcom
    9th July 2016 / 2:35 pm

    We have all had days like this and unfortunately we will have more. All that we can do is remember how much we love them and how much they can make us smile. The good days will always outweigh the bad.
    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • 10th July 2016 / 12:47 am

      Totally! Even though the bad days can be overpowering. Nothing lasts forever. ๐Ÿ˜Š x

  4. 9th July 2016 / 8:05 pm

    This post has so much emotion it brought a tear to my eye. I hope you have had a much more settled evening.

    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • 10th July 2016 / 12:46 am

      Ah thank you so much. He has been surprisingly good in the days since this! Onwards & upwards. Thank you so much for your kind words x

  5. 10th July 2016 / 3:25 pm

    I love this, so honest and real. I know what you mean – no one wants to admit when they have days like this. When I have these days, I just want to drop all my shopping and run home to be honest. I think it’s a wonderful thing that you have recorded it here, what better way to really appreciate the easier days ๐Ÿ™‚ #pocolo

    • admin
      17th July 2016 / 11:37 am

      Thank you for your words. Sorry for the delay in replying. Thankfully dare I say it but he’s been much better since – probably tempted fate saying that, but yes it was a good piece to get out there and it’s nice to know I’m not alone!

  6. Rambles, Rants, Writings
    10th July 2016 / 11:58 pm

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  7. Rambles, Rants, Writings
    10th July 2016 / 11:59 pm

    I love the honesty of your post! I have three children aged 4, 8, and 11 and some days I wonder the same. They can be good as gold, and then the next minute they bounce off one-another and I feel so out of control because I can’t get them to behave.

    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes linky!

    Janet

    • admin
      17th July 2016 / 11:38 am

      Thank you – kids hey?! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. 12th July 2016 / 11:40 am

    Such an honest post. But you know what, we’ve all been there so you aren’t alone. My daughter is only 17 months and she has already pushed me to those moments. When it gets bad I now to just remember that my daughter is a person and people don’t always agree. But unlike disagreeing with an adult, a toddler doesn’t understand reason and has a lot more ‘going on’ in their little world. That doesn’t make you, or any of us, a bad parent though. Most parents who witness it will understand. Anyone who looks at you and thinks ‘bad parent’ isn’t worth the time of day!

    Hope you are having a happier day today ๐Ÿ™‚

    #TwinklyTuesday

    • admin
      17th July 2016 / 11:39 am

      It’s been much better since, thank you. I’m sure we will have trying times again but for now we will soldier on! Thanks for your lovely words ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. The Pramshed
    13th July 2016 / 9:10 pm

    Oh lovely please don’t be so hard on yourself, parenting is so difficult, and you really have no control over their tantrums. Mind you, I’m saying this and I’m sure that I would feel exactly the same as you should this happen to me. We have about another year to go. Ignore all the people that give you the look, they are not worth it and don’t understand how hard it can be. There will always be days that are difficult, but then they are offset by the fantastic days we have with our children. One day you will look back on this day and laugh. Thanks so much for linking up this week at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    • admin
      17th July 2016 / 11:40 am

      Ah thank you. I’ve already had a couple of giggles about it since. They have this magical power of being able to make you forget – a bit like labour really!!! Thanks for your lovely words and sorry for the delay in replying ๐Ÿ™‚ x

  10. 18th August 2016 / 9:17 am

    Hi Jaki. First off, big hugs, sounds like you handled it amazingly well. Second, why does no one ever tell us parenting is so damn hard? I swear it gets harder as they get older. Maybe my patience levels are getting so low that it seems harder than it is! But I think you nailed it when you said you need to be there to help him through his frustration.

    I forget so often that my boys are still little people (5 and 3) with big emotions they can’t handle. Some days it feels like they’re being awkward just to spite me, but in reality they’re not, they’re just learning in their own way.
    Thanks for this honest and lovely post x
    Sarah

    • Jaki
      18th August 2016 / 10:13 pm

      Thanks Sarah. It is one of my favourite ever posts I’ve written. I think a lot of people related to it which made us all feel much better.
      You’re right, it’s so hard at times, but they are worth every second.
      Thanks for stopping by. I’m looking forward to having a look at your blog as soon as I’ve caught up with everything this week! ๐Ÿ™‚ x

  11. 8th September 2016 / 10:28 pm

    A really truthful post. So many kids and parents have this experience. I remember having N lying on the floor in our shopping centre in town and refusing to move. Thankfully he wasn’t crying, but I still had a lot of people staring. One guy even pointed out that my child was on the floor and I wasn’t watching him! I wanted to laugh at him for interferring. Mums know best, they know when to leave or sort out their kids. And sometimes kids just need to let it all out whatever the location. I think you’ve just got to not care what others think. #sharingthebloglove

    • Jaki
      8th September 2016 / 10:36 pm

      Thank you Emma. Thankfully we haven’t had an outlying like this one since I wrote this – not that I’m not expecting it to happen ever again! I’m just better prepared now! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for stopping by x

  12. 10th September 2016 / 3:25 pm

    I can relate to this, I think many of us have been in a similar situation. Well done for not giving in to the demands of your 3 year old, you stood fast despite everything – I probably would have given if I’d been in your shoes but you didn’t and I admire you for that. #Sharingthebloglove

    • Jaki
      10th September 2016 / 8:44 pm

      It was tough and I have been known to give in on many an occasion. It’s so hard at times. They never warn you about this part to they?! Thank you for your kind words.

  13. 12th September 2016 / 2:19 pm

    Oh, I’ve been there (so often it feels like lately!) They seem to have a run of days like this, and then just when you’re totally broken, they turn on the charm and the cuddles and they’re straight back in the good books. It’s so hard not to give in to the demands when you’re out in public and you get the disapproving looks at a tantrum, but you’re doing a great job! I try to just repeat to myself that the tantrums are a phase (just a very long one it seems!) Thanks so much for joining us again at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Jaki
      12th September 2016 / 6:10 pm

      That’s why I love writing posts like these. It reassures us all that our children are perfectly normal and that we are not alone. I am without doubt that you too are doing a wonderful job. We are all fabulous!! ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thanks for hosting x

  14. 13th September 2016 / 1:40 pm

    Those moments when they want something and you are saying no for a very good reason are the worst. It can be hard to stand firm, but you know you have to. It shows the love that we have for our little ones, because if anyone else broke us like our children do, they probably wouldn’t be in our lives. That love just shines through and makes us pick ourselves up and ready to face it again. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove x

    • Jaki
      13th September 2016 / 9:47 pm

      You’ve hit the nail on the head completely! And they do it time and time again! Thank you for hosting a lovely linky x

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